cCC - Cassie's Cranky Corner

The Evils of the World and Why We Could Do Without Them
Cassandra Lobiesk

Yes, there have been questions. There have been suspicions. And by the heavenly deities above, there have been theories. I’m talking about the vilest and most nefarious beings living on this blue planet. To many, these creatures appear to be the cutest, most innocent, and least harmful of all the birds on Earth. Well, sorry to burst your bubble, but they are definitely nowhere NEAR harmless.

You haven’t guessed what they are yet? Well, here’s a hint:

Think the picture isn’t enough to vindicate these cursed monsters? Well, let me tell you exactly why I am dedicating this whole article solely to penguins. There, I have said the horrible word: PENGUINS (for the remainder of this article, they will now be referred to as the “P-word”).

But let us begin where everything starts. This is the outer façade of a P-word that you THINK is harmless (adorable, no?):

And these are the P-words that are not afraid to take matters into their own evil little hands:

Now, you must be wondering how this whole theory started. Well, I’ve been forming this “Evil P-word Theory” of mine for years, and already people have been catching on to the truth of it all! It begins in a laboratory…

We all know the story of the lab rats and mice that have experienced what it’s like being in a high-tech laboratory. Professor Ratigan (The Great Mouse Detective), Nicodemus (The Secret of Nimh), and The Brain (“Pinky and the Brain”) have all undergone some kind of anger-management program just to keep themselves from trying to take over the world. Well, we’re trying to find the whereabouts of The Brain, but that’s almost a hit-and-miss! What I’m trying to point out is the fact that mice and rats aren’t the only things being tested on. P-words have gone through experimental procedures as well, and trust me, they are NOT happy about it one bit!

So when a P-word escapes from a certain high-tech laboratory and goes back to the Arctic, it becomes trouble. Not only is the P-word livid because of the treatment it received, its brain is now equal to the mass of three huge biology textbooks! There’s only one thing on its mind: revenge. It certainly doesn’t help that global warming is melting P-word's territory, either.

Where does a P-word go but up? If you haven’t heard about the missing space rocket at NASA headquarters, then you obviously don’t know that P-words were the culprits of the rocket scandal (it’s been hushed by officials, but I have uncovered their conspiracy!). If you think that’s hardly believable, you might want to check the polar ice caps on Mars. I’m sure you’ll find P-word footprints there, and perhaps even a colony, if the P-words haven’t moved them underground yet.

I warn you now, the P-word colony up on Mars is growing, and sooner or later the planet’s ice caps will have more P-words than it can manage, not to mention the amount of advanced technology, now that P-words have developed the brain masses of anvils. And that’s when they’ll strike.

Ominous signs are already among us in the media. We are being blatantly told to watch out for their cuteness! The Pebble and the Penguin, March of the Penguins, Happy Feet, Madagascar, a future release of Farce of the Penguins, need I say more? They’re trouble, I tell ya! Trouble!

DISGUSTING, I SAY!

Notes

Articles

Scientifics

Reviews

Columns

Showcase

Puzzles

Info

Points

cCC - Cassie's Cranky Corner




Notes The Alte Sententiam is Ravenclaw's running newspaper. Alte Sententiam means 'Higher Thoughts' and its current co-editors-in-chief are Chloe Fairchilde and Cassandra Lobiesk. Articles Unity: Making the Most of HOL Easton's Everyday Eats Scientifics Stone Into Gold Why is the Sky Blue? Reviews The Deathly Hallows Order of the Phoenix Hana Kimi Columns Cassie's Cranky Corner Addie-vice Column Showcase For Thee Golden Rule Days Sorting Hat Song Puzzles Wordsearch Info Updates Archives FAQ Staff The Roost HOL Points The points breakdown is as follows (per issue): Article Submission: 10 points for each published (not to exceed 20) Graphics Submission: 10 points for each published (not to exceed 20) Editors: Up to 30 points	cCC - Cassie's Cranky Corner The Evils of the World and Why We Could Do Without Them Cassandra Lobiesk Yes, there have been questions. There have been suspicions. And by the heavenly deities above, there have been theories. I’m talking about the vilest and most nefarious beings living on this blue planet. To many, these creatures appear to be the cutest, most innocent, and least harmful of all the birds on Earth. Well, sorry to burst your bubble, but they are definitely nowhere NEAR harmless. You haven’t guessed what they are yet? Well, here’s a hint: Think the picture isn’t enough to vindicate these cursed monsters? Well, let me tell you exactly why I am dedicating this whole article solely to penguins. There, I have said the horrible word: PENGUINS (for the remainder of this article, they will now be referred to as the “P-word”). But let us begin where everything starts. This is the outer façade of a P-word that you THINK is harmless (adorable, no?): And these are the P-words that are not afraid to take matters into their own evil little hands: Now, you must be wondering how this whole theory started. Well, I’ve been forming this “Evil P-word Theory” of mine for years, and already people have been catching on to the truth of it all! It begins in a laboratory… We all know the story of the lab rats and mice that have experienced what it’s like being in a high-tech laboratory. Professor Ratigan (The Great Mouse Detective), Nicodemus (The Secret of Nimh), and The Brain (“Pinky and the Brain”) have all undergone some kind of anger-management program just to keep themselves from trying to take over the world. Well, we’re trying to find the whereabouts of The Brain, but that’s almost a hit-and-miss! What I’m trying to point out is the fact that mice and rats aren’t the only things being tested on. P-words have gone through experimental procedures as well, and trust me, they are NOT happy about it one bit! So when a P-word escapes from a certain high-tech laboratory and goes back to the Arctic, it becomes trouble. Not only is the P-word livid because of the treatment it received, its brain is now equal to the mass of three huge biology textbooks! There’s only one thing on its mind: revenge. It certainly doesn’t help that global warming is melting P-word's territory, either. Where does a P-word go but up? If you haven’t heard about the missing space rocket at NASA headquarters, then you obviously don’t know that P-words were the culprits of the rocket scandal (it’s been hushed by officials, but I have uncovered their conspiracy!). If you think that’s hardly believable, you might want to check the polar ice caps on Mars. I’m sure you’ll find P-word footprints there, and perhaps even a colony, if the P-words haven’t moved them underground yet. I warn you now, the P-word colony up on Mars is growing, and sooner or later the planet’s ice caps will have more P-words than it can manage, not to mention the amount of advanced technology, now that P-words have developed the brain masses of anvils. And that’s when they’ll strike. Ominous signs are already among us in the media. We are being blatantly told to watch out for their cuteness! The Pebble and the Penguin, March of the Penguins, Happy Feet, Madagascar, a future release of Farce of the Penguins, need I say more? They’re trouble, I tell ya! Trouble! DISGUSTING, I SAY!